Monday, February 14, 2011

Disoriented

Returning home from baladelba7th is always disorienting.  I'm overwhelmed by the number of choices in the supermarket, not to mention the existence of a pet store, and unnerved by the silence, the expansive fields, the spaces between buildings, the fact that I can buy whatever alcohol I want, anytime.  This time, because my exit was so sudden, so unplanned, it's worse.  Plus, baladelba7th is still on the front page of every newspaper, and I'm still worried about my friends there, and glued to regular and social media in a way that I never ever am.

On the one hand, I want to get excited about the things I can do here, like online shopping and folk dancing (the season starts in two weeks).  On the other hand, I wake up every day surprised to find myself here, and wish I was back in baladelba7th.  I miss loghatelba7th.  Everything here looks funny.    Worst of all is the uncertainty.  I should have started Phase 4 in full today, and I didn't, and now it's slipping away from me.  I don't know when I will be allowed to return, and the fellowship coordinator went on vacation last week*.  So I'm waiting, but given the panic and total lack of understanding of baladelba7th by the government, it's not promising.  Of course, I will also get to attend an upcoming conference that features rocking social events with all of my friends that I was originally going to Skype present at and then hear later all of the happy hour fun I missed.

So there are ups and downs, but I don't know what to pick.  If I get excited I'm here, I could be going back soon, and then I'll miss folk dancing again.  If I spend all my time missing baladelba7th, I'll be miserable here.  Mostly though, I'm just frustrated that my fellowship isn't letting me control my own life, and I don't have the guts to say screw you fellowship, I'm going back and I'll make my own decisions.  Because then I'd lose the money.  Which I can't get anyway because I can't use it outside of baladelba7th.  But I might be able to get it if they let me go back.  But I might not be able to.   Grrr.


*Yes, I'm sure she had it planned before this happened.  But seriously who goes on vacation when a program they are responsible for administering is forced to evacuate?!

2 comments:

  1. Your fellowship coordinator takes entirely too many vacations, from what I hear. Jeez.

    I know the feelings of uncertainty very well, although I grant that yours may be a bit more intense than mine. Perhaps you should begin to re-orient yourself to your home-country options, and set aside baladelba7th options as the alternative scenario. (I know, easier said than done, thanks to your fellowship's decision.) Don't make yourself miserable; roll with the punches.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd agree with Dr Koshary's suggestion about re-orienting yourself to your home-country options. Don't loose hope, you never know something might turn up when you least expect it.

    ReplyDelete